Since I started writing The Daily Kickstand, people have emailed me, approached me in person, and I even got a phone call one time asking for my advice on how to save their relationship with someone who was abusive.
Unfortunately, yes this really happens. It can be difficult to know when a relationship is fixable or not. However, if there is abuse it is simply not fixable. Get out now!
There are many forms of abuse in relationships as I’ve talked about in the past. We’ve even discussed the impact and difficulty of getting out of them or healing after a relationship in which we were hurt intentionally by someone who swore they cared.
We’ve also discussed that just because it’s not a romantic relationship doesn’t mean that it can’t be abusive. Our relationships with our family can be unhealthy, our relationships with our friends, our colleagues, and our bosses can be abusive and just-the-same, should never be allowed to happen.
Now, it’s natural to want to fix a broken relationship and in some instances, we can. But the problem with an abusive relationship is that only one side really cares for the other person in that relationship. The other, simply only cares about having their needs (no matter how sinister or selfish they may be) met.
We’ve all heard the saying, “damaged goods”. Now, we say that in regards to someone who has had bad relations and becomes bitter or who has convinced themselves for whatever reason, that they’re unlucky in love. This is the wrong definition, I think that the troublesome issues from their past repeat as patterns throughout their life until they find love for themselves and learn the term “personal boundaries”.
I think the term, “damaged goods” is rather akin to a cop-out. It would make far more sense to refer to someone with unresolved issues from their past in which they refuse to acknowledge as simply lacking self-love.
It is, however, well-known in psychological societies that often times people who were abused or neglected end up becoming abusive in relationships themselves. This could be true in some instances, but I would stake that if they wanted help they could find help.
It is assumed that their pain and refusal to seek help with dealing with those demons that haunt them will manifest themselves and repeat as patterns throughout their life until they can learn to accept the past and move forward in life. This is not an easy task even for experienced therapists.
Even some experts of psychology have stated that there is no rehabilitation for some cases they have seen. If this is true even for 1% of the people out there with histories of abuse or neglect, then how in the world do you expect to change them, much less to fix them?
OK, so I swiped that line from Disney’s Lion King and it’s not exactly correct. Or is it?
It has been said that we have to put our past behind us and for the most part, we all accept this advice. However, sometimes that is a hard pill to choke down. Well, if some ass (man or woman) is putting their hands on you then they truly belong in the past. (See what I did there?)
But seriously, regardless of the type of abuse the perpetrator chooses to use, it would serve you very well to get out as quickly as possible; as most abusive relationships start with seemingly minor offenses and can quickly elevate into much more serious problems. The tell-tale signs of abuse are there if you are paying attention.onstant belittling and berating in front of one’s peers,
When the tell-tale signs of abuse are there, and if you are paying attention and know what to look for they are usually very obvious. They could be small things at first, nagging or complaining about the way we do things. To some degree those little nuances after the honeymoon phase has ended are acceptable. Perhaps we do leave our socks on the floor, or maybe we’re not the best cook in the world.evolve into more destructive actions designed to line up their prey.constant belittling and berating in front of one’s peers or isolating us from our friends and family by voicing strong disapproval for the people in your life who care for you.
But, what happens when those harmless gripes evolve into more destructive actions designed to line us up to be their prey. Again, if you know what to look for, the signs become more obvious.
If we are in a relationship with an abusive person it may not take long for them to enact their patterns of control and domination. Sure, one of these behaviors may not be a sure sign of abuse by themselves, but it is when they start building off of them from one to the next, that the trouble begins.
Aside from the obvious signs of abuse, the aggressive partner may use any or all of the following:
In some cases, abuses are easy to spot. In others, not so much. Yet, one thing is certain that when we are being abused by our partner, rarely is there any fix to the relationship because we are not dealing with a mentally or morally sound person.
The only way to handle someone who is abusive is to get as far away as possible. No contact is the best policy here.
Most abusers use a system similar to narcissistic abusers methods of Ideation-Devaluation-Discard. The may play out a series of building up hope, then crushing violations, followed by a rebuilding of trust, usually in the form of the grandiose apology and irresistible offer.
This circular cycle gets incredibly hard to stop once they have us firmly in our role of victim. They will isolate us and then convince us no one cares but them. They will say how lucky we are to have found them because no one else would love us. If we get too comfortable or start to make new friends, they will stop at nothing to prevent it from happening.
The truth is, that they know how hard it will be to find another to meet their needs for them. So, they have to keep you because you’re already primed for the game. Therefore, the only escape is a full and total escape and removing yourself entirely from their influence.
There is help out there! You are not alone! You DO NOT have to tolerate it! NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED!
You are enough! You are beautiful! Don’t let anyone tell you differently!