Not Every Battle is a Noble One
Sometimes, when you love someone you have to let them go. It’s sad and it’s cliche, but it’s true. Now, I’m not talking about the, “set them free and if they come back, yadda yadda, etc.” No! I’m saying sometimes, you just have to just let them go, and decidedly fast.
Shit happens- as they say, and sometimes you’ve got to be able to flush the toilet and walk away. No one wants to stay where they’re unwanted, that’s a solid fact. So why then, do you torture yourself by staying in a place that is unhealthy for you? How much heartache do you have to suffer before you have finally had enough?
What will it take for you to finally wise up to the reality that the one you love does not love you back? That, for whatever reason, they are incapable of showing you the kind of love you deserve? How many times do they have to lie, have to cheat, have to disgrace your name publicly before you finally get it? How many times?
Look, I’m not saying that the person you love is inherently bad. No, I’m saying the person you love who doesn’t reciprocate that love is unworthy of your heart. If you have given them chance after chance and they continuously break you down, crush your heart, and disrespect you then obviously there’s a problem, right? Now, is that problem with them? Or is it with you?
The obvious answer is right in front of you. If you jump through every hoop that someone puts out there and tells you, “If you love me, you’ll do this, this, and this.” And, you do those things only to be told it’s not enough; then the problem is with them.
Now, if you jump through the hoops and then jump through the next set, and the next, and the next and never seem to make any ground towards their acceptance of your heart yet, you keep jumping, then the problem is you.
It’s on you if you lack the self-respect and lack of ability to have a spine and say, “You know what? I don’t think I should have to prove myself anymore. I’ve already done all these things while you’ve not done a thing and nothing is good enough? I’m going to leave and find someone who values me.”
Your love of loves is not who you think they are if they’re constantly threatening to go elsewhere. They are not the right heart for you if all they do is judge you and put you down. If the one you care for truly cared for you then they would compromise. they would find reasons to stay and not reasons to leave. It’s as simple as that.
Love is Work, Not Slave Labor
Love is work, not slave labor. Relationships take effort. But they’re not supposed to be such work and effort that you lose yourself in the process of trying to appease them. If you have to give up the core of who you are, if they demand you prostrate yourself in front of a live studio audience under sweatshop conditions, then they are not in it for you. They are only in it to see how much you’ll sacrifice at the alter of their whimsical desires.
Some people are love-sick. They’ve abandoned themselves for love somewhere in the past and never took the time to heal from that past. Let them go! Their wounds are not yours to heal. If they have not healed themselves from their past affairs of the heart, then there is nothing you or anyone else can do to fix that broken wing.
Other people’s battle scars are not yours to heal, their burdens are not yours to carry. Stop settling for a heart that will never truly love you, could never truly love you, and in all reality-NEVER will be available to truly love you. Let them go.
Not every battle you’re faced with is a noble one. There is no honor in being someone else’s martyr. If they love you, it will be readily apparent in their actions, not just their words. If you have to constantly kowtow and perpetually vie for their love and approval, that is not love. That is a form of histrionic personality disorder wherein the person has a history of attention-seeking and destructive behavior in which you become addicted as they did, to the highs and lows. At first, it seems fun and cute. Yet, I can assure you over time, you will not find it cute nor fun. If you’re not careful, you just might lose yourself to their game.
They are wounded and damaged at best and you deserve to be loved by someone who is capable of giving you all of their efforts. If the one you’re in love with is damaged, there is no way they can fully give themselves to you because they are still stuck in the past. Let them go.
Letting Go of the Unhealthy
So, how do we let go of someone we love who does not and can not reciprocate that love? How do we love ourselves enough to walk away? How do we live with the feelings of hurt that are caused by someone not loving us back?
It is inevitable that when we have made up our minds to leave, that our wounded mate will stop at nothing to keep us there. Up to this point, we’ve been the one source of energy they’ve had to keep from having to accept blame and fault of their own. We have been their crutch and blinders, and we’ve enabled them to avoid confronting the demons of their past. And believe me, they will fight tooth and nail to keep their scapegoat and avoid having to face up to their somber awakening.
It’s painful to realize that the one we love is so sick and unhealthy that they’ve devised a way to avoid taking responsibility for their emotions. It sucks to have to admit that the longer we stay, the worse their delusion will get and the stronger their grip on us will be. Which is precisely why we need to be able to walk away now.
We need to escape this unhealthy paradox we are in. So, when it comes time to walk, if you’re still looking for reasons to hang on, think of this- The more we stay, the more we enable them to stay in this limbo of hell they’ve created. By trying to stay and work it out we are enabling them to stay broken. What’s more, is we are risking our own heart and well-being by staying in such a toxic environment.
If we truly love someone who is this broken, then walking away is the ultimate sacrifice and the supreme act of love we could possibly show them. They will never find healing or medicine in our staying put.
This Guilt is Not Yours to Carry
Our damaged mate, now reeling from losing their band-aid that was holding their broken arm together will likely flail, wail, and lash out. They, like the drowning man, will try their best to drag us to the bottom for choosing to save ourselves and not them. This is scary and also just another ploy to convince you that the damage done is your doing. Chances are high, however, that it is not.
Take care of yourself, and love yourself enough to realize that the guilt is not yours to carry and in reality, it never was. Their words of blame and outbursts are not your fault, nor are they your duty to carry that burden.
The guilt that they lay on you is not yours to carry. Let it go, and move forward with your life. You are not to blame for their hurt or their vice. You are not anyone else’s problem. You have no duty to fix a lover, and in all likelihood never could. So do not let a lover or mate guilt you into staying. It’s just another long excuse to delay the inevitable.
Damage Is as Damage Does
If we stay too long inside the damaged person’s world, wee become ourselves damaged. We were not meant to survive such constant assault of being berated and abused. And make no mistake, it is abuse.
Just as in the movie, What Dreams May Come, when Robin William’s character goes into his wife’s hell to try and save her. He almosts loses himself in her nightmarish world that she has created to punish herself. The longer he stays to try and save her, the more he risks never returning from it.
This is a fairly accurate portrayal of our reality when we stay with someone who is truly broken. The longer we stay and the harder we try, the harder it is to leave. Which is why it is imperative that we escape while we still are able to walk away mostly intact, lest we get stuck in their hell with them.
Damage is as damage does, or the damage that was caused to our loved one long before we came into their life is the same damage we are destined to suffer by staying with them. Our only chance of surviving is to cut ties and walk away. It is unfortunate, but our only choice.
Know your boundaries, and stick to your guns. Sacrificing yourself for the love of another is not noble, it is not wise, nor will it help anyone. If you truly love someone who is damaged from loves past, the only chance you have to help them is to leave them and hope that they seek proper help for their hurt.
It is tough. It hurts like hell. You’ll wish you could change it. But the fact of the matter is, that you can do nothing but sit idly by and pray for them. Take care of yourself and your heart and know that in time, the Universe will bring you the right heart to love when you are ready. Just remember, it’s like this:
Sometimes the person you want the most, is the person you’re best without. Let go of what you feel, and remember what you deserve. -Trent Shelton
Love yourself enough to let go of someone who continually hurts you, and have faith & patience. The Universe will bring you what you need when you need it, and the right heart when you’re ready. Bless up tribe!